I have been into yoga since I’m 11! I wish that meant I have been doing yoga since that age, but no, for years I was on and off. Around three years ago, without me making any serious decision about it, a little by accident, I’ve started to take classes regularly, around 4 times a week. Since October 2016 I’ve been studying to be a teacher myself.
I honestly thought that by now I would be very Zen, super flexible and strong, putting my head upside down in any asana I wanted to. But life had other weird plans, a tricky path for me.
About a year ago, I’ve started to feel extremely anxious. Everything seemed to be wrong with me, and my decisions seemed to take me to places I didn’t want to go, jobs that didn’t pay, depressive people around me. Besides that, I’ve started to feel a lot of pain in my right leg and left hip. I was reading a book, from Carlos Ruiz Zafón, where the main character has a problem on her hip and I even got to think I was just feeling Alicia’s pain since I was so much into the story of the book.
It came to a point, that I almost couldn’t do yoga, or sit, or sleep. It took me three months, and a lot of exams and money, to find the osteopath that finally realized what was going on with me. Things got better, and besides a little pain in my back, I was doing pretty fine.
During August, I had an intensive week of yoga on my teachers’ training course, and we started the Ashtanga 1st series. I was a little apprehensive about this idea, for some reason I’d never noticed we were supposed to do Ashtanga, but I faced it and started my own practice.
This was when everything started to feel like sand on my hands…
First, an old pain in my shoulder got really, really bad. But I wanted to keep going, to keep practicing, so I did it.
Then I stopped meditation. I was so excited after Ashtanga that I couldn’t stay still for mere 5 minutes.
Then, I’ve started to have crazy attacks during the practice. Cry and scream like a mad woman.
And I started practicing thinking about my body, thinking about getting thin like all those girls on Instagram, thinking about being everything I had dreamed of for so many years. And my problems related to food and my body came back, after three years of a calm sea.
Of course, it wasn’t yoga’s fault. Don’t take me wrong!
I went from doing yoga and workouts multiple times a day to not being able to do anything because I seriously damaged my left knee and shoulder. I was always giving 200%. I stopped doing yoga at all for a few weeks, and even the books I couldn’t stand reading.
I was lucky enough to have a teacher that understood that what I was going through was not just a lazy moment, was something bigger, something that was way beyond my practice and myself.
The truth is that I felt exactly in the same place I was the year before, taking wrong directions. I felt stuck, I still feel stuck.
I approached my yoga practice with the despair I approached my life and myself. Without respect, without consideration, without caring about its values.
I have to be honest and say that it doesn’t feel that Ashtanga is the right thing for me right now, and back then a few months ago either, but definitely that it’s not its fault. It was like a snowball, that I could not control.
I’m still in this moment. It’s not something that is already over. I’ve been dealing with things that weren’t part of my life anymore, like, eating when I’m nervous. I’vê been living with a very anxious version of me. My world is still upside down, and for sure I’m not where I thought I would be.
So why am I writing this? Because one thing I have to share is that our approach to life and yoga will determine the effects it has on us. Is that if I had been smart enough to talk to my teacher earlier my knee and shoulder would never got so bad, but I was so blind with pride that I didn’t even thought of it. Yoga is not a magic pill that solves all of our problems, we need to look to the right direction, from our hearts.
I felt like sharing this, because nowadays everyone seems to have magic experiences with yoga, which I have and had, but maybe there are some souls that face or faced some of these or other difficulties and would like to find someone to talk about it. I would love to share some thoughts about this.
I’m back to yoga, slowly and gently! I love it so much that even with all of this, I was always able to say that it is my ground, and it will always be.
Now I feel that soon will be time to share all the good things about it. Stay tunned!